Things I Hate vol. 4 and stuff

Hi folks!  I am... 4 hours and 20 minutes away from vacation and my brain is about to explode mushy grey matter all over my computer monitor.  Blood, guts, brains... the whole 9.  Won't my coworkers be surprised!  Several things in no particular order:

1)  Everyone thinks of me when they see kayaks.  I WIN.
2) I'm going to Tennessee in like 15 hours and I am so excited I might die which would be terrible because then I wouldn't be able to go to Tennessee. 
3) Here are some thing I hate to keep the fires of odium burning in your little teeny black hearts until I return:

revolving doors

I don’t trust them.  They’re just standing around, being all “look I’m clear and three people can walk through me at once” but I know what they’re really saying it “come inside me so that you can trip since you can’t take a normal step and then I can CUT YOU IN HALF MUAHAHAHAHA”.  Sickos…

snowdrifts-

facebook updates left and right brag about the snowday but your slave driver of a boss calls you in.  You grumble your way down the front walk, shovelling half-heartedly (just so that you can get to your car), lamenting the fact that life could be so unfair as to snow 36 inches in four hours AND expect you to go to work (what is this?  GERMANY 1943?), and then you misjudge the dept of that last step and BLAMMO…

So there you are.  Snowdrifts... obviously backlogged from the horrendous winter we had.  But since we just had a hurricane (measly little tropical storm got everyone all freaked out...) I think most of you can agree that weather is abhorrent and must be stopped at all costs.

And since I'm in such a good mood about my vacation (read: about to barf everywhere because I am so anxious about driving 14 hours to CAMP FOR FIVE FUCKING DAYS WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING I HATE BUGS AND NATURE SO FREAKING MUCH:KDJFS:LKJSDG) that I'm going to leave you with something I love.  Actually... several things I love.  AND these things don't even rocket out from the murky depths of hell (the ocean) to murderize cute squiggly seals and stupid surfers (which are a lot like kayakers but usually better looking).

CUTTLEFISH!!!

Here is an adorable baby cuttlefish looking innocent

Here is a wizened old cuttlefish looking disappointed in you

Here is a cuttlefish looking sad and possibly a little sleepy, how I feel most of the time when I'm at work.

And my personal favorite.  I call this "Curious Cuttlefish and Social Anxiety Cuttlefish".

Things I Hate vol. 3 and some other stuff as well

1) I have one (1) follower.  That is awesome.  Know what else would be more awesome than that?  Having MORE than one follower. 

2) Today I received the most wonderful post on my facebook from a most wonderful life long friend who, as we grow older, I am realizing is just as unpleasant and misanthropic as I am which is why after 20+ years of coming and going from the lives of one another, we will probably always be lurking somewhere in the others' unfriendly subconscious.  The note went something (exactly) like this:

 Yesterday, I saw some douchebag with an unwieldly trailer loaded with kayaks and other crap weaving through heavy traffic on the highway without even using a blinker.  I thought of you and cut him off, using my blinker of course.  It was a WWBVCR do? moment.

 This makes my little black heart all a-flutter... knowing my hate is infecting other hateful people.  Before long, my hate will hopefully also be infecting normal, right-thinking individuals.

3) THINGS I HATE.  What I really really REALLY hate is when all my co-workers go on vacation in the same week and leave me with a mess of crucially important, time sensitive projects to be completed (atop all of my other important, time sensitive projects on which I am tasked to complete every week anyways).  This week's projects will consist of merging, printing, addressing, stuffing and sending two important mailings which need to be completed by Friday.  Though this isn't hard work... there is a lot of it. 

WAH.

Since it's difficult to draw things like "I hate doing more work than usual because my coworkers are off jaunting around the country" or "I hate when people are having a good time and I'm not", I'll just leave you with a few other things I hate.

meteors

Bigger assholes than the Nazis

“that’s the worst…”

Guess what?  Godzilla trumps paper cut.  So does flood damage, flat tires and dead goldfish.

hidden birds

You’re just walking along through a parking-lot, minding your own business, maybe going to WholeFoods to buy some free range tilapia burgers if you’re pretentious, and suddenly you hear them… what sounds like hundreds to possibly even THOUSANDS of birds.  But where is that sound coming from?  You scan the parking-lot but you see nothing… except a lush tree on a small island several feet away and suddenly you notice that the lush greenery is moving and chirping and you realize that there are 125,099 birds hiding in that tree just waiting to get you.

 So there it is folks... another riveting installment of things I hate.  I'm sure after this week there'll be plenty more things.  Gosh I hate things. 

Until then... here's a picture of something I DON'T hate!

AWEEEEEEESSSSOOOOOOOMMMMMMEEE!!!

Things I Hate Vol. 2

It's Thursday but I swear it should be Friday.  My brain has long since melted and oozed out my ears, nose, and mouth into a pile of goo on my desk.  To celebrate the fact that I am basically a walking zombie running on only the knowledge that I need to finish a number of things before this week can end I will give you another Thing I Hate.

captcha

I spent the first 17 years of my life comfortably certain that I was not a robot.  Then, in 2000, four supergenius’ at Carnagie Mellon University invented the CAPTCHA (which stands for Completely Automated Public Turing Test To Tell Computers and Humans Apart) – which by the way should be CAPTTTCAHA but someone I guess figured that wasn’t as catchy – and I started to question myself.  I can’t read a CAPTCHA.  I have to refresh the damn thing 2 or 3 times before I get one that I can at least guess at, which always leaves me feeling a little bit hollow and a lot bit worried that I might, in fact, be a robot after all.  I mean it’d at least explain my lack of ease with natural human emotions. 

 So there you go... I freakin' hate CAPTCHA.  Make me wonder if I'm a person will ya?! 

I'm going to start working on my plans for a badger cannon tonight.  Check back soon for my progress.

Things I Hate vol. 1

We all know that I hate a LOT of things... it's really not something I try to hide.  In fact, most of you know that "hatehatehatehatehate" just kind of runs on a subconscious loop behind any of my other thoughts.  It is ALSO also not a secret that many of the things I hate seem kind of ridiculous to those who don't understand what it is to hate things with such fervor and completeness.  For that reason I have begun illustrating some of the things I hate with explanations so that you, the lay person... flitting through life completely unconscious to the fact that you can hate so much at any given time, can begin to see life through my eyes and possibly bring a little bit more hate into your day.

surprise spider

Like they’re not creepy enough when you know they’re there!  Surprise spiders lay in wait behind closed doors or under pieces of paper just WAITING to jump out and attack you with their scariness.  No joke… a surprise spider made me drop my toothbrush in the toilet last week.  I could hear it laughing.

kayakers

You like hiking too… don’t you?

So there you go... my first two installments of Things I Hate.  Right now maybe these pictures mean nothing but I bet the next time you're driving down the highway and you see some RAV4 with a kayak strapped to the roof you'll say "Ugh... Jenny HATES kayakers" and then... maybe after the 3rd or 4th time you see a kayak you'll say "Ugh... I HATE kayakers" and then before you know it you'll be hating things like a pro.

Don't worry... there'll be more things you didn't even know you could or should hate right around the corner.